Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Part II

Betrayal is a terrible thing...
Its one thing to be betrayed by an acquaintance, or even a stranger, but its a completely different type of pain to be betrayed to be betrayed by a loved one...or THE loved one. Worst of all, to betray yourself is quite possibly the worst crime one could commit: worse than murder, theft, get the picture.

The picture cast into my view is one of self-hate, self-depreciation and self loathing. I've settled for less than I am deserving of, yet trying to convince myself that I was getting all that I deserve. I put others first, as I've done so many times before, and was willingly losing self. It didn't seem to matter, or actually be happening because I was so focused on making others (a certain other in particular) happy that I no longer cared if I was sufficiently happy in my relationship, if I was getting catered to, and if I was growing both within the relationship and within myself. The answers were a resounding, and heartbreaking NO.

Do I blame her? Partially. But I also realize that she has her own set of issues that prevent her from fully allowing herself to be free. OR, I could still be playing the part of fool and she could be exactly who she wants to be. Right now, at this very moment I am not mad at her. Could be a sucker move on my part, could be God working within me to make me rise above doing the EXPECTED reaction for situations like these...I don't know. At this point, I don't want to know; I merely want to heal from yet another loss. Trying to do right, be the best for someone, but the whole time I wasn't being the best for myself. I don't mean for this to read like a Last Rights, because it's not...but this part of me must die.

No comments:

Post a Comment