Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Depressing Self-Analysis

It took a long time, took a battle with myself, a battle with others, and an eventual admittance to self-denial to get me to this place. There are things that I've admitted or recognized since long ago...and some things that I'm finally owning up to. I feel I've, at last, hit rock bottom. I do not know exactly where it is I am supposed to begin, nor do I know where it is I WANT to begin; all I know is that I NEED to start somewhere.

A recap:

I've long since known that my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof) has highly contributed to my long-standing issues and insecurities.

I recognize that said issues and insecurities negatively affect both my friendships and intimate relationships.

I know that I am a typical loner, not so much by choice, but by habit.

I realize that I've learned different life and people skills due to the people around me, such as learning selflessness from my father in his interactions with others.

We've gotten that out of the way.

The things that I didn't previously realize (for various reasons) actually were major acknowledgments that needed to be revealed before I could start the process of TRUE betterment. For one, I believe that I have been attempting to validate my self-worth through selfless actions for others. Don't get me wrong, lending myself to others happened because I was raised to do so...but it also halfway morphed into a self-fulfilling practice. I feel/felt good because a person was able to get advice/become better off/etc, but I also feel/felt good because I was able to assist them...and was subsequently looked at in the favorable light of 'reliable and/or trustworthy'. The flip side of that coin is pure irony, however. My moment(s) of happiness would be fleeting, as the reality sinks in that I'm so proficient at helping others, yet so inadequate when it comes to doing for and helping myself.

Two, my faith wasn't and isn't properly aligned. Yes, I believe in God and certainly believe in miracles, blessings, and the sort...but MY personal relationship with God is no where NEAR to being on par like it should be. Allow me to explain: I talk to God semi-often I'd say...but when I talk to Him, it's never about ME. Quite the contrary, I am praying and discussing the problems and issues of friends or people who have trusted me enough to confide their problems and/or fears in me. I ask God to help them in their time of need, to deliver them from the perils that they face...and then I thank Him and go on my way. Whenever I have problems that I think are overbearing, I typically internalize what I have going on, without thinking twice about coming to God...but don't mistake it for vanity or self-idolization; as I have absolutely ZERO thoughts placing me higher than God on the grand scale of importance. In my logic (whether twisted or otherwise), I reason that since I haven't been talking to Him while times were personally good, it would be quite heathen-esque of me to come to him now that all of the cards are against me. But I've figured out the true root: lack of acknowledging self-worth. Throughout my life, I never kept nor carried the type of confidence that others mistakenly assumed I had/have. Compliments are awkward moments for me, I'm really uneasy showcasing my talent in front of people if I have to do any talking, I don't (or should I say, DIDN'T) approach women who I thought were cute, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I'm sure I puzzled many a woman, because at most, I would get their attention and pay them a compliment...and leave it at that.

Trying to figure out WHERE the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness came from is where psychology comes in. I'm a firm believer in every action or non-action resonating some type of effect within a person, even if he or she does not consciously recognize it at the time. My mother's perceived abandonment of me took a toll, despite never being talked about, explained, or even made an issue during my formative years. However, I can recollect days when I would be staring out of my grandmother's window, hanging onto a promise that my mother (and sometimes my father) was on the way to come and get me...only to get picked up by my desire to go play to mask my frustration of 'being stranded' at Granny's house another night. I think that situations similar to that one spurned a feeling of not being wanted, or undeserving of certain affections. So I stopped expecting people to come through for me, quit gearing myself up to anticipate things that seemingly were only happening in the lands of spoken English and Make-Believe. This made me be an introvert in a sense, because if I felt that I needed or wanted something, I was too afraid of speaking up for the fear of eventual rejection...usually by action. In a sense, I suppose you could say that I was doubting God...but I think it may have been more of a doubting my importance to Him.

These issues & insecurities paved a perfect path for me to not only stop expecting people to follow through with what was promised or declared, but also to be wary about trusting. At times, as a child trying to figure out life with (seemingly) no one to talk to, I began to look at the people around me as people who will put their own goals or desires ahead of mine, every time. Hardly ever was I proven I started to anticipate two steps ahead, three steps ahead, four steps ahead, etc...and needless to say, the gun has been jumped (undeservingly) more times than I'd care to account for. It's wreaked havoc on a few of my relationships, but back then I didn't even know what to attribute it to. For those who cannot seem to make the connection (aside from depression), just think of a fatherless female and all of the different issues she has to encounter when it comes to dating/being in a relationship with a man. My script is a flipped one.

Mentally, when I'm suffering from depression in an acute manner, my mind is a warzone consisting of two combatants: I against I. Generally speaking, I am overanalytical to a when depression is thrown in the mix, it's like Multiple Man with a thinking cap on: pure anarchy on my mind state. What some folks don't realize, is that depression leaves you devoid of the most simple thing may or may not go over well with a person. Here's where the battle comes in, as a part of me KNOWS different from what I'm thinking, but the other part of me suggests that what I'm currently thinking is the truth.

Problematic and a huge mess, I know, but it is a mess that I plan on getting 'right' and moving past. Don't be surprised it there's a part II to this post.


  1. bestest I love u...realize ur not fighting the battle proud that youre able to put your thoughts into words in hopes of beginning a phase to rid this stage in your know im here for you...and I appreciate all the times you've been there for me...

    thing its time to do for you...and stop worrying about everybody else...those who truly love and respect you will understand...

    next step is you coming to church with me ;-)

    love ya and see u sooner than later

  2. i have tried to comment on this thing 3 TIMES dangit!

    anywho I won't write a novel, i agree with her. getting things right has to be for you and you only and at YOUR pace. i can def identify with a few things you wrote about. ESPECIALLY the fatherless female. thanks to people like you i still get to see how men are supposed to act towards women in general because lord knows I struggle at doing it my way. You are a real inspiration to everyone around you, don't forget that. no matter what happens, you do what you need to do until you feel everything is right :D

    okay i kinda wrote a novel my bad lol

  3. i'm glad you've come to certain realizations. but know that there is no end point to betterment. it's a continuous process. once you walk down that road of self discovery you find out things...and some things aren't pretty but i believe the journey makes you a better person. better confidante, better lover, better friend, better everything.

    seems like you've always held that position to help others over helping yourself. though it's not to be trivialized as being something undesireable. because there is something to be said for self sacrifice. but you have to remember what you are sacrificing. And you're worth the effort to do better for yourself...and yes at times that will involve putting you first...over others.

    a friend told me once...[regarding a situation that i struggle with] that the healing starts when you forgive yourself. forgive yourself of all that you could have done, should have done, all that you did.

    your mother not being there--wasn't an attack against you. but we as children don't know the difference until we are older. and even then a lot of times our emotions are what guide our thoughts. i know it's hard. it's never easy to confront the things that ill us. but i truly believe you have a strong support system of individuals who love you unconditionally and want the best for you.

    i know i probably wrote a novel... thank you for sharing your struggles... i know it takes a lot of courage and insight to do so.

  4. You HAVE to be selfish, fam. You're giving so much of yourself that there's none left for you...and when you're "alone" it's glaring. This is a nice little step though. People gas up on you...stepping stool status. So you're helping people get to that next level but they just leave you there to help the next person as if that's your job. Gotta shake that.

    As said, the people who love you will understand...and if they don't, they only love who you are to them. Already know though...honesty is refreshing.

  5. This def. took a lot of courage for you to do Run.E. Most people aren't honest enough to do this, much less write it down in a public forum. I commend you on taking the steps to rectify this situation and wish you nothing but the best. Like everybody has said before me, those who truly matter will understand and won't mind you taking time out to lean on them if need be. Thank you for sharing this with me! :o) (yes, S.W.)

  6. A child is never to blame for the outcome of their childhood. It is those who were given the opportunity to mold and shape a Life to hold themselves accountable for the experiences of that child.

    Growth and forgiveness go hand in hand. This is proven in that fact that you have found an outlet. Your thoughts and words are now aquainted.

    God is the best getright.
    So getright.
    Peace be unto you as you journey, my brother.

  7. Such insight! It takes courage and wisdom to analyze yourself so objectively. This self-healing is an ongoing process to be taken day by day. Of course it is difficult. But never forget how many cheerleaders are in your corner, filled to the brim with love for you and rooting for your triumph [myself included :)].

    *crosses fingers for part deux*