Thankful.

This is a post I intended to write around Thanksgiving...but due to me having a disdain with all things corny (or at least 'corny in my eyes'), I decided to pass on that. But now, with Christmas virtually around the corner, I figured this was a perfect opportunity to post.

First, I would like to explain something about Christmas. I know the TRUE intent of the holiday has been all pimped out and commercialized for the sake of capitalism, but truthfully, I still partake in the festivities anyway. However, I still do not lose focus in celebrating life, family and friends...and of course being thankful for the Creator blessing me. See, I have many, many dark days...and at times I feel that I'm cursed with demons aplenty. Yet, I know that I have been blessed with more gifts than I know what to do with from the Most High, and they more than offset my shortcomings. People always ask what do I want for Christmas (and this also applies for birthdays), and my answer is always the same: "Nothing." It's what I mean. I don't need any gift of tangible affection to make my day complete; for God has ensured that I am able to utilize my gifts on a daily basis to benefit others, which benefits me because it is what the Creator wants...and nothing can compare to that.

Secondly, allow me to say THANK YOU. Whether it's because you read & react to my writing, or because I can text or call you at all hours of the night if I so desire, or because you extend the olive branch in my direction time and again...or if you simply just wish for me to do well in my personal life. Thank you. I can't really explain where I've been as of late...not on here, but mentally, emotionally, and in some cases, in person (Disappearing Acts)...but what I can say is that despite my penchant for isolation, I always knew that I wasn't alone. I have friends who are genuinely in my corner, and they withstand my standoffish tactics without wavering. So I'm going to name off a few names...and really hope I don't forget anyone...and if I do, you can either feel free to call me out on it, or understand that it wasn't done intentionally in the least. The thing about calling me out on it, I wouldn't mind at all...but if you aren't one of those people I was talking about, then you'll be told that too. The irony is that some of these people I've never met face-to-face in life, but we have a crazy connection...either that makes me weird, or that makes me supremely fortunate to have friends across the map. I consider the latter to be true.

*In no specific order....except for the first one*

Heather - Of course, my best friend til something stronger than death do us part. You're here when no one is...and probably don't even realize it. Time isn't always kind to us when it comes to hanging out or catching up, but your timing is always perfect in having my back. I can only hope that I have yours as well as you always have mine. Love you.

Jessica - My ratchet little sister not born by my parents...what would I do without you? (Besides worry less, threaten lightskinned weak niggas less, besides not gassing up the Chevy only to be told that I don't have to come and act a fool, besides not being able to be proud at seeing growth first-hand, besides...yeah, you get the point. What would I do?) I'm appreciative of you, and you always keep it honest and thoughtful. Love you for that. Now tell me if that 'guy' opened the door for you or not...*loads handgun*

Keana - Despite having concrete differences that may have come between lesser people, me and you still rock w/ each other. I've never been one to believe in Astrology like that, you've never been one to believe in God like that...but we don't knock each other for it, and respect each other's views. You are truly a "brutiful" soul wrapped in a custom print Snuggie while fixing up a Patron and Pineapple for Lucifer...

Tiffany Marie - You are probably the most full of life go-getter I have ever met. And you singlehandedly proved that my thoughts aren't far-fetched in the least. When my confidence was a bit shaken, you kinda strong-armed me into believing in myself again.You have no idea what that means to me. Love you Twinkletoes.

Teef - My supposed D.C. doppleganger, lol...we share a lot of the same issues, usually down to the letter. Some true ESP stuff, and our friendship has benefitted both of us...in a therapeutic way and in a skill-development sense. [sidebar: Not known to many, me and Teef always lock into these spirited 'competitions', where we're trying to 'one-up' the other while writing...so we just shit talk, analyze and send multiple emails back and forth...all in the name of improving and trying to shit on bringing the other up at the same time.] Past that, when I'm feeling like nobody understands (even if they say that they do), I know that you know what the deal is...usually without even speaking on any of it until much later. And you know I'm waiting for that heat, fam...don't make me hire Diddy for 5 minutes of his life to just stand in the corner by the DS boxes and Autotune "Let's Go" until you kill him over a Biggie verse.

Danyelle - My dearest Danyelle. Words can't even describe how much I appreciate you or how I feel. And you know I don't try to grasp at straws...so I won't. =o)

Kisha + Bre' - You two's persistence (that you may feel is a nuisance at times) is a nuisance at times, lol...but a welcomed one nonetheless...if that made any sense. I appreciate + love both of you. (Kisha, I love you more than Bre'ana...but don't tell her, she's violent.)

Tris, Kirby, Jevon, Veronica, Aunt Rita, Britney, Darius, Hosanna, Thomas, Syn, Twin, Al, Ant Geezy, etc. etc. etc...Some roles are small, and some are larger than others. But still...I appreciate all of it.

Quotables...from me to you.

I sent this post to two of my folks, then decided on posting it. All of these are courtesy of me...#DontJudgeMe.
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"Nothing worse than sitting on an island with a view of the land...people are on the coast, but you're the only one who has a boat. You're halfway looking to see who'll swim to you, and you halfway want to take the boat back to land...but you know that neither will happen because the people on land don't understand..."




"It's certain ties that I need to cut...problem is, I enjoying wearing the accompanying suits too much..."



"Attention iPhone users...I need an autotune app and a Photoshop app like right away! Then maybe the sh+t I see & hear in life will at least look & sound better. =o)"



"I hate that I am the way that I am, but I feel that it's for the betterment of someone...even if that someone isn't me..."



"Broken Promises are nothing more than temporary shackles used to keep another person at a stand-still momentarily."



"You tryna poker face it, but don't have the cards to deal...somebody show me the NEXT TABLE, where they're passing out the REAL..."



"I think everybody would benefit from doing an analysis of who they're surrounded by. After a while, it starts to speak VOLUMES about you as a person. Just my thoughts..."



"Get RIGHT, before you get LEFT..."



"I was born with this, didn't have a choice to begin with...so if you saw me & I was good, chances are that I pretended..."



"It feels great to help other people...& honestly speaking, I don't know where I would be without it..."



"Waking moments dominated by an over-active mind...figured I could escape by sleeping, that my thoughts would be benign..."



"We live in a society where being a follower is the law of the land, and being a leader is interpreted as you wanting to cause trouble. Well, if that's the case I'm on a collision course with all the trouble that being a leader/individual shall bring..."



"No remorse for those not on the force...had your chance to speak up; played silent...so that's why your screams get ignored while your voice goes hoarse..."



"Life is looking so much better with a clear view...all you've got to do is open your eyes and realize what matters and what you've been through..."



"The clocks never have enough time, the calender never enough days...so while I'm mad, I'm also happy for the time I had."



"The clocks never have enough time, the calender never enough days...so while I'm mad, I'm also happy for the time I had."

Part II

Betrayal is a terrible thing...
Its one thing to be betrayed by an acquaintance, or even a stranger, but its a completely different type of pain to be betrayed to be betrayed by a loved one...or THE loved one. Worst of all, to betray yourself is quite possibly the worst crime one could commit: worse than murder, theft, or...you get the picture.

The picture cast into my view is one of self-hate, self-depreciation and self loathing. I've settled for less than I am deserving of, yet trying to convince myself that I was getting all that I deserve. I put others first, as I've done so many times before, and was willingly losing self. It didn't seem to matter, or actually be happening because I was so focused on making others (a certain other in particular) happy that I no longer cared if I was sufficiently happy in my relationship, if I was getting catered to, and if I was growing both within the relationship and within myself. The answers were a resounding, and heartbreaking NO.

Do I blame her? Partially. But I also realize that she has her own set of issues that prevent her from fully allowing herself to be free. OR, I could still be playing the part of fool and she could be exactly who she wants to be. Right now, at this very moment I am not mad at her. Could be a sucker move on my part, could be God working within me to make me rise above doing the EXPECTED reaction for situations like these...I don't know. At this point, I don't want to know; I merely want to heal from yet another loss. Trying to do right, be the best for someone, but the whole time I wasn't being the best for myself. I don't mean for this to read like a Last Rights, because it's not...but this part of me must die.

A Depressing Self-Analysis

It took a long time, took a battle with myself, a battle with others, and an eventual admittance to self-denial to get me to this place. There are things that I've admitted or recognized since long ago...and some things that I'm finally owning up to. I feel I've, at last, hit rock bottom. I do not know exactly where it is I am supposed to begin, nor do I know where it is I WANT to begin; all I know is that I NEED to start somewhere.



A recap:

I've long since known that my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof) has highly contributed to my long-standing issues and insecurities.

I recognize that said issues and insecurities negatively affect both my friendships and intimate relationships.

I know that I am a typical loner, not so much by choice, but by habit.

I realize that I've learned different life and people skills due to the people around me, such as learning selflessness from my father in his interactions with others.



We've gotten that out of the way.



The things that I didn't previously realize (for various reasons) actually were major acknowledgments that needed to be revealed before I could start the process of TRUE betterment. For one, I believe that I have been attempting to validate my self-worth through selfless actions for others. Don't get me wrong, lending myself to others happened because I was raised to do so...but it also halfway morphed into a self-fulfilling practice. I feel/felt good because a person was able to get advice/become better off/etc, but I also feel/felt good because I was able to assist them...and was subsequently looked at in the favorable light of 'reliable and/or trustworthy'. The flip side of that coin is pure irony, however. My moment(s) of happiness would be fleeting, as the reality sinks in that I'm so proficient at helping others, yet so inadequate when it comes to doing for and helping myself.



Two, my faith wasn't and isn't properly aligned. Yes, I believe in God and certainly believe in miracles, blessings, and the sort...but MY personal relationship with God is no where NEAR to being on par like it should be. Allow me to explain: I talk to God semi-often I'd say...but when I talk to Him, it's never about ME. Quite the contrary, I am praying and discussing the problems and issues of friends or people who have trusted me enough to confide their problems and/or fears in me. I ask God to help them in their time of need, to deliver them from the perils that they face...and then I thank Him and go on my way. Whenever I have problems that I think are overbearing, I typically internalize what I have going on, without thinking twice about coming to God...but don't mistake it for vanity or self-idolization; as I have absolutely ZERO thoughts placing me higher than God on the grand scale of importance. In my logic (whether twisted or otherwise), I reason that since I haven't been talking to Him while times were personally good, it would be quite heathen-esque of me to come to him now that all of the cards are against me. But I've figured out the true root: lack of acknowledging self-worth. Throughout my life, I never kept nor carried the type of confidence that others mistakenly assumed I had/have. Compliments are awkward moments for me, I'm really uneasy showcasing my talent in front of people if I have to do any talking, I don't (or should I say, DIDN'T) approach women who I thought were cute, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I'm sure I puzzled many a woman, because at most, I would get their attention and pay them a compliment...and leave it at that.



Trying to figure out WHERE the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness came from is where psychology comes in. I'm a firm believer in every action or non-action resonating some type of effect within a person, even if he or she does not consciously recognize it at the time. My mother's perceived abandonment of me took a toll, despite never being talked about, explained, or even made an issue during my formative years. However, I can recollect days when I would be staring out of my grandmother's window, hanging onto a promise that my mother (and sometimes my father) was on the way to come and get me...only to get picked up by my desire to go play to mask my frustration of 'being stranded' at Granny's house another night. I think that situations similar to that one spurned a feeling of not being wanted, or undeserving of certain affections. So I stopped expecting people to come through for me, quit gearing myself up to anticipate things that seemingly were only happening in the lands of spoken English and Make-Believe. This made me be an introvert in a sense, because if I felt that I needed or wanted something, I was too afraid of speaking up for the fear of eventual rejection...usually by action. In a sense, I suppose you could say that I was doubting God...but I think it may have been more of a doubting my importance to Him.



These issues & insecurities paved a perfect path for me to not only stop expecting people to follow through with what was promised or declared, but also to be wary about trusting. At times, as a child trying to figure out life with (seemingly) no one to talk to, I began to look at the people around me as people who will put their own goals or desires ahead of mine, every time. Hardly ever was I proven wrong...so I started to anticipate two steps ahead, three steps ahead, four steps ahead, etc...and needless to say, the gun has been jumped (undeservingly) more times than I'd care to account for. It's wreaked havoc on a few of my relationships, but back then I didn't even know what to attribute it to. For those who cannot seem to make the connection (aside from depression), just think of a fatherless female and all of the different issues she has to encounter when it comes to dating/being in a relationship with a man. My script is a flipped one.



Mentally, when I'm suffering from depression in an acute manner, my mind is a warzone consisting of two combatants: I against I. Generally speaking, I am overanalytical to a fault...so when depression is thrown in the mix, it's like Multiple Man with a thinking cap on: pure anarchy on my mind state. What some folks don't realize, is that depression leaves you devoid of logic...so the most simple thing may or may not go over well with a person. Here's where the battle comes in, as a part of me KNOWS different from what I'm thinking, but the other part of me suggests that what I'm currently thinking is the truth.

Problematic and a huge mess, I know, but it is a mess that I plan on getting 'right' and moving past. Don't be surprised it there's a part II to this post.